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Feels

This has just been a week of ups and downs for me. It’s been hard for me to try and actually have feelings like this. I’ve basically been crying all week and when I get upset, I lash out. A lot. I push my friends away as hard as I can when I’m depressed and/or pissed. All I usually want is someone to come hold me. It just hurts when you feel like your two closest friends are replacing you with assholes from their past. People they know are no good. My friends never take my fucking advice and it hurts my feelings. It doesn’t help that I’m sleeping badly or that I dropped my best friend off at the fucking airport so she can go start her life. She and her husband and her new cats and kids. She has her shit figured out. I’m still here and feeling completely alone. I think I’m going to drop out of school. I don’t think there’s a fucking point. I’m going to stop trying to be friends and whatever with someone from my past who doesn’t listen and keeps making the same mistakes with the same fucking assholes who ruined their life in the first place. I think I’m at the point where all I’m going to do is work. Then I can’t make new friends or have a social life or get fucking hurt anymore. Then I won’t have anymore weeks like this where all I do is cry and piss people off. Then I won’t rely on anyone and they won’t be able to let me down. It’ll just be me. Me and my depression and my fucking anxiety. 

Update

I haven’t written any kind of an update in a long time. Sometimes it’s good to type it all out and get it out there. On Tuesday, I tried to go back to school but suffered debatably my worst anxiety attack ever and couldn’t even get out of the car to go to class. I instead drove home (while trying not to hyperventilate so hard that I pass out) and continued to cry. Then finally managed to convince a well-meaning friend who was trying to show me tough love to let me come over and calm down. All in all the anxiety attack was about an hour long with mini attacks on and off for another 30-60 minutes. By the time I got to their house, I was calmer but still in my attack. They wanted to talk about but I could barely breathe and was incapable of speaking. They gave me water which I only drank because I was even more dehydrated than normal from all the crying and because in some way that doesn’t make sense, I knew it would help me calm down. They made me some food which I had a very hard time eating because my throat still wasn’t working properly. I am usually a very hungry person but in my attack, food sounded awful but I knew I needed it since I hadn’t eaten yet. I was physically shaking when I arrived and generally uncomfortable until we starting playing our video game. Even then, with my mind distracted and calmer, it took at least another 30 minutes until I was almost back to normal and a full day (with even more crying) until I truly felt like myself again. Yesterday was hard because I woke up still feeling a little shaky mentally. Within minutes of being at work, I was crying already. Some time between 2-3pm, I pulled my manager aside and confided in her about what had happened the day before. The anxiety attack and what brought it on. That nearly caused me to have an anxiety attack all over again. My attacks are generally few and far between but seem to be getting worse and worse. I don’t truly know how to handle them. She and I worked out a plan involving me going on a slower day to the school and walking the campus and finding my class. I haven’t been in so long and the campus is so big that I don’t remember where the building is. I also never parked in student parking before, so I don’t know where to park or where the closest parking to class would be. I also plan to buy the book when I’m there since I still remember where the book stores are. And get my permanent parking pass as the one I have is a temporary pass. I’m going to try again next week but if I can’t do it, I don’t know what I’m going to do. It would be a great accomplishment to get my degree (even if I have no plans on how having it will help me). I was going to try online university but I could never afford that. A single class would’ve been nearly $2k. That’s 2 months of income pretending I didn’t have to pay my parents rent, need food or gas, or need to buy ANYTHING. Community college where I have credits just makes more sense. But going totally alone when I haven’t been in 4-5 years is massively overwhelming. If you know me very well, then you know I will not go ANYWHERE alone with the exception of work. Even going thru fast food alone can be too much if it’s not on the way to where I’m going. I will purposely go hungry if it’s too much for me to go eat. I have always been terrified that someone will kidnap me or worse. I can not defend myself. At all. I have pepper spray but fear that by the time I have it out to use, it’ll be too late. It wasn’t this bad when I first went to college. I took the bus and had friends that were at school the same time as me and were just as lost and confused as I was. Now I’m (in my mind) too old to be going back and especially too old to be wandering around looking lost. I fear that so much has changed since I’ve been that even if I overcome my anxiety, I won’t be able to keep up. my previous teacher didn’t assign homework. i fear this teacher will and that between that and working full time, I won’t be able to handle it. I’ve also never taken a class that was once a weekend fear I’ll forget everything week to week.

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